Monday, August 16, 2010

Failure to be faithful

Some time ago a friend of mine threw me the one million dollar question, "what if your husband was to take on another wife?"

Heh. now thats a tough one. especially if i were to give an honest, straight from the heart answer.

Of course i've thought about it, who hasnt?  its a subject thats been talked about & debated over even before i was born. and i dont quite see it stopping, ever lol.

Now back to the question.

My first reaction would be one of complete betrayal. how could someone you consider a soulmate & life partner even think of sharing his life with someone else? how can someone that you have dedicated your whole life to, find the need for another?

Then comes the endless whys.


.. when you've always gone out of your way to make him happy & content, putting his needs above your own?
.. when you've always tried your darnedest to make sure that his children, his family, his belongings are well taken care of?
.. when you've always been there for him, more than able, always willing, even wanting?
.. and that you cherish every single moment of your life together?

I know the Lord that i worship is merciful & just. in His infinite mercy He has left many doors open to mankind.. salvation, redemption, a way out of society's ills.

So it could well be an act of selflessness on his part, his way of saving the world. but why do i strongly doubt that the choice would ever be a destitute mother of 5, or a desperate old maid or a prostitute looking for a way out? the Lord also heeds us to ponder upon the many layers of poligamy... bcos salvation & temptation often walk hand in hand. that which appears to be a just cause could well be a lost cause.

Or it could be his attempt at walking in the footsteps of the prophet. but then considered in its entirety, our beloved prophet revered his first wife khadijah and was devoted & ever faithful to her while she was alive.  he only took on others after her death and even then still cherished her memory.


After considering all the love and the sacrifice, the only thing you can come up with right now is your one unredeemable crime.. that of growing old.  and if aging is the main problem and the excitement of fresh young blood is on the agenda then theres nothing else that can be done. bcos growing old is as certain as death. there are no exceptions. there can be no escape.

Such being said, if beyond all reason the man is still insistent and thru the heartbreak & pain my rights are still guaranteed, then with a heavy & disillusioned heart i would probably relent.  bcos sharing a long history & having children together is not something one can easily put aside.  bcos i would also be secure in the knowledge that the Lord is fair, He is Ar Rahman, Ar Rahim and He would never test me beyond that i am capable of. and mostly bcos i know He takes special care of those who are 'teraniaya'.

(image from

Ok. thats it, at this point in time thats my take. straight from my heart. but whether i'll be able to walk the talk is anybody's guess bcos nothing is certain. people change, so do feelings. its every woman's nightmare and i seriously hope the day will never come. i seriously hope that he loves me enough not to rip my heart out and care enough not to hurt the children.

Why does poligamy cause such an uproar especially in this day & age?  for me (and i stress, for me) its mainly bcos of the manhandling & the abuse of the Lord's provision. and  instead of harping on the issues of sacrifices & selflessness maybe we should consider this, is it about the failure of the woman to share (perhaps the men would be better at sharing?) or more about the failure of the man to be faithful?


Ordinary Superhero said...

Ehem, difficult question indeed.....I mean, the question would the man better at sharing?

Justiffa said...

Oh OS you brave soul hehehe.

soalan panas tu. agak2 bole ke ek? ;p

June Malik said...

I would allow him to take another wife, it is after all his right, but i would also ask for my freedom. I cant do this sharing thing, not ever. The kids will grow and have their own family and I dont want to be stuck unhappy sharing my husband with another woman. I rather be alone and have the company of the kids from time to time, but I know I will be happier. I truly respect the women that can do this. Its my weakness. I dont share. LOL

Justiffa said...

Good for you juney, thats saying it with conviction & purpose ;p

Me, i dont think i have what it takes to invest in another relationship bcos alone is not a state i would like to be in. it changed my mom, made her warped & bitter. i dun want to be like her.

But then again, maybe if it were to really happen, i might not be able to stay either lol, dunno.

Anonymous said...

hm..I am, what you can say, a product of polygamy dad married 3 times, and it was ugly to the point of making me detest every polygamy marriage i know.and mind you, my mom's the 3rd wife (married my dad for two years and later filed for divorce because when she married my dad, she didn't know she's the third.mum have kids from her previous marriage..ah...complicated!)

man find it hard to be fair when on one hand you have the faithful, definitely older woman who have been with the man through thick and thin and on the other hand, the "other" woman who is younger, better looking and probably with better looks whose fate might not be better than the first wife, but will always be seen as the bad one.

it's bad both way, auntie, and the only good it will be is for the man. (emo ni! hehe)

pakmat said...

..salam justi..yeah, yeah, yeah..I am a rogue..and whatever I say will be from a rogue's mouth..but for whatever it is worth..
..I noticed that men are divided into 2..i. those who are polygamous..they will take on a second wife, no matter what..age, family, fidelity, finance, station-in-life, happiness, success, matter, for when the time comes, he will marry a second time..she could be a janda anak lima, a girl of 16, pretty, ugly, or does not matter..and not necessarily because they are in love..and had fallen out of love..they just do..they will weigh the options and will conclude that they will be able to handle seldomn have anything to do with it..and there will be no signs at all of their polygamous attitude..none..

..ii)the non-polygamous..they may flirt around..gallavant..keep a strings of girlfrieds in every town..unfaithful in every way..or maybe they do not..but they will not marry a second time..sometimes even if their first led to a divorce..there may be close encounters..heartbreak here and there..but no marriages except their first..

..called it karma, preordainment, jodoh..

..the Lord, in his greatness, allows it for reasons we do not know except perhaps guess and make conjectures..and jodoh is something within His Realm..whether the first or the tenth..for God's trials come in many forms..qada & qadar, lady..

..sorry..dont mean to blog here..cheers..

June Malik said...

tiff : i wont invest in another relationship lah unless he really really sweeps me off my feet literally LOL. pak mat, qada & qadar yes but i also believe we can change our fate.

Azza said...

Thanks K.Tiff. I've seen this happened, wife hoping that husband can change one day, and willing to wait. One day became 1 month..1 month became 1 year and I year?? :P Enough is enough ok. Period.

Anonymous said...

you are soooooo understanding!! I would not be! the same arguement could be made in reverse. I think the most important thing is love. If your husband loves you, truly loves you, he will never consider such a thing. Above all reasons and desires, a man who loves his wife will know that that in taking on a second wife he would brutally hurt and disrespect his wife and thus he would not. Even in cultures where polygamy is acceptable, there are marriages that are monogamous. I hope it is something YOU will never have to endure,forgive, or accept.

Justiffa said...

MissiEz.. must've been tough growing up that way. i kinda understand sbb aunty pun come from a broken family - my parents divorced and both remarried. i've osso been exposed to both sides of poligamy thru my mom - she was the first wife in one marriage and the 2nd wife in two others (which all failed) and is now on her own and staying with me.

I agree its a sorry mess. people should really take heed of the Lord's warning, "but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one" and not take the dealing of 'justice' so lightly.

Justiffa said...

Salam pakmat. que sera sera, what will be will be :)

But then again, so long as we go thru life with our eyes wide open and be responsible/accountable for all the choices that we make. and that we can look at ourselves in the mirror each morning knowing that lack of self-control had nothing to do with it ;p

jdbb pakmat

Justiffa said...

Gf i wonder if still got anyone who'd want to sweep us off our feet la hehehehe

but nothing is impossible right (or impossible is nothing?) ;p

Justiffa said...

Azza.. if only love wasnt so complicated aight :(

Justiffa said...

TQ CharlieFlii, it is my hope too :D

And wouldnt it be great if respect & love can overcome all temptation!! everything would be so much simpler, and the heartaches lesser. but sadly, we're never in control of others.

And i'm not really being understanding. at the age that i am right now, i fear the complete loss of love and its warmth & comfort. so i'm hoping that the Lord will look after me in this :)

June Malik said...

gf, exactly, siapa nak if dah umur kita LOL but honestly i would opt to be on my own than share .. a lot of things I might consider and a lot of things I dont know how I will react, but on this particular one, yeah, set me free baby!

Azza said...

Yeahh K.Tiff, unfortunately love indeed very complicated...haishhh K.June, i dah follow pun ;) run more azza, run! haahh