Milestone.

It gets lonelier as you grow older.  it really does.  and its not so much about being alone per se, you can surround yourself with a sea of people but you start feeling more an observer than an active participant. you start listening more, internalising more, pondering more.  sad to say you also come to the realisation that people young or old dont really give a rats ass about what you have to say, unless they specifically come to you for advice.  and half of them just seem to be interested in ranting and raving and complaining all the time.

And you suddenly find yourself becoming slow in almost everything you do,  not just slow but in absolute slow mo, the moment to moment kind.  for someone who goes through her days in high gear thats a pretty hard thing to swallow believe me.  not to mention the times that even a million bucks cant get you to recall a certain info or memory, the more you push the more elusive it becomes.  which all culminates into making you feel frustratingly clumsy & crushingly stupid.

Serabut.  semak.  senak.  and to be honest, frightening.

Oh you're saying get a grip woman, everyone grows old and they die, that death stares us in the face all the time but whats scaring the shit outta me is the possibility of a long but useless life.  use-less, as in meaningless, as in not contributing.  worse still if i start becoming a liability... to myself, to the ones i love, to society.

And still clueless at 50 isnt a good sign. nope not good at all.

Hadoi.

Its not about the kids. i've done what i can, now they are all grown and are answerable to their own actions. its not about the spouse.  he's going through his own turbulent midlife passage and unfortunately, is in no position to help me with my problems.  its about me.  about how best i maneuver the final phase of my life as a woman and keeping my dignity, my composure, my self-worth in the process.

I so need a spiritual upgrade.